


you have the most wonderful face (i hate the world for feeling this way)

by bothsexuals



Series: together/never [1]
Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, but with a hopeful ending!, i think, kinda sad, troy is gay and i love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24305746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bothsexuals/pseuds/bothsexuals
Summary: Troy has a secret. It’s a secret he feels guilty about keeping, but would probably feel even guiltier if it were to come out. Which, incidentally, is what he will never do.or: Troy struggles with internalized homophobia and his love for Abed.
Relationships: Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Series: together/never [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755643
Comments: 22
Kudos: 194





	you have the most wonderful face (i hate the world for feeling this way)

**Author's Note:**

> Troy is a gay man who suffers from internalized homophobia, that's just how it is. It's canon and if Dan Harmon says otherwise, he's wrong. 
> 
> Title from Oberhofer's "Together/Never", aka the song that inspired this fic.

Troy has a secret. It’s a secret he feels guilty about keeping, but would probably feel even guiltier if it were to come out. Which, incidentally, is what he will never do. 

Because that’s the secret. He’s gay, and that’s not all, since the universe _really_ hates him. He’s gay _and_ he’s in love with his best friend. 

And here’s the cherry on top of this spectacularly fucked up sundae: he’s actually happy to be in love with Abed. It feels wonderful to love him, to notice every small movement that goes unnoticed by everyone else, to hear the slight changes in his voice, to figure out what each of them means. It feels wonderful to get goosebumps every time they touch, to feel the ghost of Abed’s hand in his, hours after it’s left. It feels wonderful to dream of him, dream of what could be if he felt the same way, if Troy had the guts to be honest, if doing that didn’t mean losing everyone and everything. 

Abed would probably be okay with it- at least the part about Troy being gay- and so would Annie. Jeff probably wouldn’t care much, and Britta would likely get too excited in a slightly offensive, but supportive way. Shirley might never talk to him again. Pierce might… he has no idea what Pierce might do, but he’s sure he wouldn’t like it. 

His family, now _that’s_ the real catch. He’s already a disappointment to them, imagine if they found out he’s also gay. No way. So he keeps it buried deep inside, flirts with girls when people start noticing how little he does that, distances himself from Abed when he feels like he might explode otherwise, and pretends he doesn’t notice the sad look in Abed’s eyes when he does so. 

He pretends a lot. He pretends it doesn’t hurt when his parents talk about the women who moved in down the street, calling them sinners simply for loving each other; he pretends his heart doesn’t break everytime he hears the disdain in Shirley’s voice at the mere mention of homosexuality; he pretends he’s not the person he is, doesn’t love the person he loves, and hopes no one sees right through his flimsy disguise. 

Sometimes he thinks Abed might; when he proposes they watch a movie that turns out to be about a gay character learning to love themselves, when he mentions the theory that Luke Skywalker might be gay and says it’s a cool one, when he shoots Troy a worried look after someone made a homophobic remark. He thinks he might know, but he won’t look for confirmation, probably ever, because that would mean opening the gates and he’s worried that if he did, he would never be able to close them again. 

It might be selfish, keeping this secret from the people who love him, but he can’t do otherwise when telling them might mean losing them. It might be painful, heart-wrenchingly so, it might be the reason why he often cries his eyes out under the safe cover of the night, Abed’s face burning in his mind, but it’s all he can do. 

It’s all he can do to keep the best thing that has ever happened to him a secret, because the rest of the world would think it wrong. He knows it can’t be wrong, he understood that long ago. It can’t be wrong to love someone the way he loves Abed, so wholly, so purely, so profoundly. It can’t be wrong to love Abed, because loving Abed is like loving the sun; loving Abed means loving the biggest source of warmth and brightness in Troy’s life, the reason behind most of his smiles, the most beautiful sight he has ever laid eyes on. And that can’t be wrong, no matter what anybody else might say. 

He hates that he feels guilty about loving his best friend, when it’s the most beautiful feeling he has ever felt. He hates that he can’t tell him, kiss him, hold him close, because he’s too paralyzed by fear. He hates that he has to keep all this love, so powerful and strong, buried deep inside, threatening to burst out everytime Abed smiles that adorable smile of his. 

Sometimes, he lets it spill out of him, just a little. When it’s dark and it’s just him and Abed, when the rest of the world is asleep and he can pretend his fears don’t exist, he lets the words slip out of his mouth. 

“I love you”, he whispers, his eyes filling with tears as they stare into Abed’s. 

A beat of silence, and then, "I know", Abed replies every time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If this made you at all sad, don't worry, he eventually tells Abed and they kiss and are happy together forever. You can read about a thousand ways that might happen in almost any of my other fics. If you enjoyed this, please, pretty please with a cherry on top, will you leave kudos and/or a comment?
> 
> P.S.: No, I will never stop comparing Abed to the sun in my fics. That's just what he is.


End file.
